Hairy Harassment
by skrewtkeeper
Summary: What is there to do when something grows out of your control? Chaos ensues, of course! MMAD, as always.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** _I honestly don't know where this came from, but a few nights ago at four in the morning, I was happy as a clown and writing this. :D I think it resulted from writing the angst of "This Man Was Mad" (which has no connection to this story whatsoever), and I thought about writing humor for once, to see if I could manage it. Well, here you are, tell me how poorly I've performed! :D This is **unfinished**_ _so expect some updates in the future-- I'm not sure how long it's going to be, so proceed with caution. :D (Also, for the record, I promise this is the _**final** _update of 2009. I don't have anything else to publish that has been edited, except perhaps a chapter for "A Lingering Knowledge", but I don't want you dear readers thinking that I'm writing for that when I'm not. xD) Anyway, without further ado, read on! _

**Hairy Harassment**

Warmth was usually a luxury in the cold light of early morning, barring the chill of the air back to claim another sorry soul. However, this morning, the warmth was unwelcome. Minerva McGonagall woke to warmth- unbearable, pressing, _suffocating_ warmth, and did not find air until she opened her eyes only to discover the ivory sea before her.

She had lived through mouthfuls of hair before- irritating though it was when she was younger, she still could breathe past the gagging reflex slowly building at the back of her throat. This time, retching was useless, she knew it, and though she stubbornly _knew_ he would deserve last night's dinner all in his beard, she seized the offending facial hair and swam to the surface, coughing and sputtering as if her last breath was from hours ago. As she gazed at her surroundings, no longer blind, her mouth fell open.

Albus's beard was everywhere.

Not that it always wasn't, of course. It had gagged her more than once before, but this- this was ridiculous. The beard seemed to have tripled upon tripled both its length and volume, and Minerva wondered where it ended for it even trailed to the door. Frowning, she glanced at the moving mass of hair that should be her sleeping husband and she shook it- roughly.

"Albus!" she exclaimed, her irritancy flaring faster than the speed of light. "Albus, you blasted man, wake up!"

He didn't need telling twice after that. He groaned, but instead of rising, he settled more comfortably in their bed and snored on. Minerva wondered how he could even snore in this mess of beard- perhaps it hindered his hearing. Finding she had no other choice, Minerva untangled her wand from the hairy bedside table and pointed it at her throat.

"ALBUS DUMBLEDORE! RISE FROM THIS BED AT ONCE!"

The effect was instantaneous; the snoring mass of hair seemed to jump out of its skin before Albus was breathing heavily on his feet beside the bed. His eyes closed, he asked wearily, "Whatever in the world did I do to deserve a waking like that?" Being greatly intuitive, Albus sensed his enraged wife scrambling for words, and Albus planned to beat her to it, but he opened his eyes first- and this, he realized, was the source of her fury.

"Whatever in the _world--_" huffed Minerva, looking at him with a blaze in her eyes, "--did you do to produce _this?!"_

Albus stroked his chin thoughtfully, eying his surroundings and discovering them entirely hairy, he simply said, "It surely must have been that odd custard tart I had yesterday evening for dessert… It particularly didn't sit well with my stomach and that was what caused this."

"There are two things wrong with your _brilliant_ theory, Albus," Minerva spat, shaking from head to toe, "first, I _tried_ the blasted tart after you complained about it and I remain unaffected. Second, WHERE ON EARTH HAVE YOU LEARNED ANYTHING?! ONE'S STOMACH CONTENTS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE RATE OF HAIR GROWTH!"

Albus smiled, the threat being far too irresistible to combat as he said softly, "As a matter of fact Minerva, what we eat has quite a lot to do with how fast--"

"Explain _this!_" She shouted. "One night ago you were as fit as a fiddle. Not an _ordinary_ fiddle, may I hasten to add, but fit nonetheless! You can't expect to convince me that one night and _one _odd dessert CAN PRODUCE SUCH RESULTS!"

"Minerva, I am sure we can--"

"Not to this mass, we cannot!" She exclaimed, the fire burning wilder in her fierce emerald eyes. "This much hair is too much to even _cut_ with ordinary shears!"

Albus fumbled in his dressing gown a moment (if he even _was _wearing one; it was impossible to tell) before he triumphantly extracted his wand with a smile. "Aha! Now we can do something about this!" he remarked cheerfully as he raised it to the sky and waved it like a baton, but nothing happened. Frowning in great thought, Albus pointed the wand between the center of his eyes, attempting to examine it, but this only resulted in him going cross-eyed. Dazed and bleary-eyed, he stumbled around the hairy room, knocking over a few things in his beard before he regained his balance.

Minerva stood on the opposite side of the bed, shaking her head disdainfully. "I am taking a shower," she announced irritably, her temper cooled for the time being as she trekked to the door, the journey quite mountainous. As she reached it, she gathered heaps of silver hair in her arms, clearing the doorway in order to open it, and as soon as this was done, she slammed the door shut behind her, leaving Albus entirely alone to deal with his beard problem.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two:**

Reflecting on it in the soothing chill of the shower, Minerva realized that perhaps she had reacted too harshly. Albus seemed as perplexed as she; where in the world had all that hair come from? It did not help matters, perhaps, that another odd thing had to happen to him when she had to remain in her position beside him as a member of what he liked to refer to as his 'center' staff. She was his deputy, but more importantly, his wife, but those two facts had never led her to believe that he would somehow stick her into a situation like this. What in the world was she to do?

_"__Pretend like it never happened."_ She nodded as the thought struck her. After all, she had had strange dreams before with no ill effects other than slight paranoia the following morning. Perhaps she had slept walked the whole way to the shower, but she was so certain she had shouted… so certain that she had felt anger burning the words on her tongue, forcing them out into the air for Albus to hear them and to realize the force behind them.

Summoning her clothes to her from the next room (how glad she was now that her chest of drawers did not linger in their bedroom!), she quickly pulled them on, resolved to apologize, however reluctantly about her outburst. Perhaps things were not as messy as she had perceived.

How horribly wrong she was.

She pushed open the door, but what met her eyes was not a hairy mess at all, but the normally tidy bedroom to which she was accustomed. The only thing that remained fishy about this image was that Albus had seemed to have gained weight- a _lot _of weight in her absence. She frowned, her arms crossed, her fingernails dancing their way on her forearms in an effort to control her steaming temper.

Albus moved toward her, but a single step seemed to require great effort. His beautiful robes were popping at the buttonholes and Minerva wondered how he had somehow fit all of that hair in…

"Good morning, my dear," Albus said cheerfully, somewhat out of breath as he reached her at last. "I am glad… to see you… looking as… radiant as always."

"Albus," she began quietly, more in awe than in controlled fury, "how on _earth_ did you fit all of that hair in those robes?"

"These robes are those special Madam Malkin ones," he exclaimed, his normal breathing returned to him. "I bought them last summer and she told me that they are designed to 'grow with me' as it were," he chuckled. "Apparently, you are not alone in the worry that I am one day doomed to grow fat with my sweet intake."

Minerva inspected every inch of him, smoothing out the eyesore lumps that seemed unnatural, and stood back to admire her handiwork. Of course, he looked just like Albus, but a heavier, fatter, surely a man with poor health than the ordinary Albus.

"I think we are safe to leave for breakfast now," she nodded briskly as she waited for him to hold out his arm to her.

"One moment…my dear," came his reply as Albus fished out a handkerchief and blotted his beading brow.

"Oh Albus, you needn't _completely _suffer in the heat," she remarked, extracting her wand and waving it over the entire length of him with a few whispers before his grin satisfied her efforts.

"Wonderful idea, my dear, I thank you most kindly," he nodded before holding his enormous arm out to her. She rolled her eyes before accepting it, deciding that one odd day would be enough to last a lifetime.

* * *

**A/N:** _I am back in school, so I apologize in advance if the updates from now are are slow in coming, but I really want to continue this... There's so much more mischief to stir! :D If you reviewed and I didn't thank you, I am publicly thanking you now; reviewers are cool. (Not that silent readers aren't cool too... They're just... nevermind. I'll go away and hide in my hidey-hole.) :D_


End file.
